Active listening is an essential skill that can greatly improve our relationships and communication. It's about truly hearing, understanding and processing what someone is saying, rather than just waiting for our turn to speak. Let's explore the importance of active listening - why it matters and how we can practise it.
Why Active Listening Matters
Builds trust: When we listen attentively, people feel valued and understood.
Reduces misunderstandings: By focusing on what's being said, we're less likely to miss important details.
Encourages openness: People are more likely to share their thoughts when they feel heard.
Improves problem-solving: We gather more information, leading to better solutions.
Builds the empathy muscle: Listening actively helps provide more contextual clarity on what the speaker is saying and feeling - this ensures we respond with more empathy and understanding.
Research
Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg from Harvard Business School describe active listening as having three aspects: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral. Here’s how they define each aspect in their article, “How to Become a Better Listener”:
Cognitive: Paying attention to all the information, both explicit and implicit, that you are receiving from the other person, comprehending, and integrating that information
Emotional: Staying calm and compassionate during the conversation, including managing any emotional reactions (annoyance, boredom) you might experience
Behavioural: Conveying interest and comprehension verbally and nonverbally
"You’re not a sponge merely absorbing information. Instead, think of yourself more like a trampoline that gives the speaker’s thoughts energy, acceleration, height, and amplification,”
Examples of Active Listening
In the workplace:
Manager, Shilpa, is meeting with her team member, Nikhil, who has concerns about a project. Instead of immediately offering solutions or dismissing his worries, Shilpa practises active listening:
She maintains eye contact and nods as Nikhil speaks.
When Nikhil pauses, Shilpa asks, "Can you tell me more about why you think the timeline is unrealistic?"
After Nikhil explains, Shilpa summarises, "So, if I understand correctly, you're worried about the short deadline because of the unexpected technical issues we've encountered and the limited resources available. Is that right?"
She then asks, "What do you think would help make this timeline more achievable? And what is the support you’d require from me?”
By actively listening, Shilpa shows Nikhil that his input is valued and gains a deeper understanding of the project's challenges.
In a personal relationship:
Rohan notices their friend Ajay seems upset. Instead of trying to immediately cheer Ajay up or change the subject, Rohan practises active listening:
Rohan sits down with Ajay and asks, "You seem troubled. Would you like to talk about it?"
As Ajay opens up about a conflict at work, Rohan maintains eye contact and offers supportive nods.
Rohan resists the urge to share similar experiences or offer advice. Instead, they ask, "How did that make you feel?
When Ajay expresses uncertainty about how to proceed, Rohan reflects back, "It sounds like you're feeling stuck between standing up for yourself and keeping the peace at work. Is that accurate?”
Rohan then asks, "What do you think your options are in this situation?"
By actively listening, Rohan provides a safe space for Ajay to process their emotions and thoughts.
In an educational setting:
A math's teacher, Mr. Reddy, is helping a student, Shruti, who's struggling with algebra. Instead of simply re-explaining the concept, Mr. Reddy uses active listening:
He asks Shruti, "Can you walk me through how you're approaching this problem?"
As Shruti explains her process, Mr. Reddy listens carefully without interrupting.
He then says, "Let me make sure I understand. You're multiplying these terms first, then adding the result to this number. Is that correct?"
When Shruti confirms, Mr. Reddy asks, "At which step do you start feeling unsure?"
Based on Shruti's response, Mr. Reddy can then address her specific point of confusion.
By actively listening, Mr. Reddy identifies exactly where Shruti is struggling and can provide more targeted help.
Best Practices for Active Listening
Give your full attention: Put away distractions like phones or computers. When you are fully present, you not only hear the words but also pick up on the nuances of tone, body language, and emotion. This signals respect and helps you better understand the speaker's message.
Show you're listening: Use nonverbal cues like nodding and maintaining eye contact. These subtle actions provide encouragement, and creates a supportive environment where the speaker feels valued.
Don't interrupt: Let the speaker finish their thoughts before responding. Even if you think you know what they're about to say, patience ensures you get their full message, which might offer more depth or a different perspective than expected.
Ask questions: Seek clarification to ensure you understand correctly. Questions like "Can you explain that further?" or "What do you mean by that?" encourage deeper dialogue and ensure you're on the same page.
Reflect and summarise: Paraphrase what you've heard to confirm your understanding. Phrases like "So what you're saying is..." or "If I understand correctly..." allow the speaker to know you are absorbing their message.
Respond thoughtfully: Take a moment to consider your response before speaking. This ensures your response is thoughtful and not reactive. It also demonstrates respect for the speaker’s message, giving you time to consider all aspects of what was shared before contributing.
Be patient: Some people need more time to express their thoughts. Everyone communicates at their own pace. Giving them space to express themselves fully without rushing them shows that you value what they have to say, fostering a deeper connection and more meaningful conversation.
Keep an open mind: Try to understand the speaker's perspective, even if you disagree. Try to quieten the background noises (judgements, biases, stereotypes) that keep interrupting your thoughts when you are listening to someone.
Do not validate statements of the speaker that are unfounded ( based on assumptions and not facts) : Example - “I think she is very partial to Anita since they are distantly related to each other” - don’t add to it by saying “ yes, you’re right, I also see them going out on shopping trips, travelling home together and talking in corridors - they don’t seem like a manager and reportee at all”
Remember, we're all learning and growing in our communication skills. Active listening takes practice, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way. The important thing is to keep trying and to approach each conversation with genuine interest and respect for the other person.
